Monday, March 12, 2012

All good now

Once I became a young adult, a childhood full of abuse turned into anger and feelings of worthlessness.  Today, I simply feel like damaged goods . . . but I’m Ok with it all now.  I’m still awesome, like an antique that simply needs restoring.  It took years, but I’ve restored myself. The worst parts of her have stopped flashing in and out.  The whips, the belts, the electrical cords, all but empty memories.  I no longer remember what they felt like.  When I think of the times being locked in the closet for hours, I only remember the darkness and quiet.  I have forgotten what I use to think about to pass the time.  I’m damaged goods, but not broken.  And definitely not worthless. 

2 comments:

  1. Unfortunately you and Robb have childhood scars in common. He waited until Momo was 8 month old to tell me he never wanted to have children. He was completely terrified that he would be a bad father. Of course now he is glad that I bullied him into fatherhood--haha--and loves his little girl to pieces. But a lot of memories and feelings that he thought were ancient history came to the surface when she was born.

    I couldn't help but notice that you wrote in your comment kid 1, kid 2, kid 3... Very interesting. :)

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    1. Yup, kid 1, 2 and 3. Dr. Steiner wants 3 and I’m pretty sure I can handle it. I come from a family of 6 and I grew up with 9 of my cousins. So I’m used to a big family.

      I’m actually not nervous about being a dad. I taught preschool for 3 years and GED for 3.5. I know it’s not the same as having your own kids, but I learned that kids are fun.

      Thanks for sharing about Rob. I didn’t know that about him. Yeah, the scars and memories never really go away. One just learns how to accept it and move on. But luckily with age comes patience and with parenthood unconditional love. I’m guessing on the second part based on the fact that I feel my dogs can do no wrong, even when they misbehave. I think I’ll be a strict pushover :-)

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